Categories: Humor, Rants

Whatever happened to the nod? You know, you're walking down the hallway of your place of employment and you pass a co-worker with whom you have no actual relationship other than working for the same employer. You're not friends, you're barely acquaintances, you just happen to work in the same building. When I see one of these people, not wanting to be rude, I'll acknowledge their presence and nod. That should be good enough. They should do the same and get on with their day. It used to be that simple. Not so, anymore. Instead of a nod, I get a "Hey, Jackington, how are you today?"

I'm thinking, "you don't really care, do you?" But now I have to respond. To do otherwise would be rude. Not only do I have to tell this person that my day is going well, regardless of whether it is or not, but I have to return the question. "I'm just fine. How are you?"

Now at this point they should just say, "good" and be done with it. But that's not what's going to happen, is it? I'm going to get the life story. I'm going to hear about the weather. I'm going to hear about their favorite sports team and how good or poorly they are playing.

I don't care! I really don't! I was just being polite! I nodded! Why isn't that good enough for you? Now not only am I forced to listen to something I couldn't care less about, I have to act like I'm interested. Why? What did I ever do to you? Why can't I just walk down this hallway and go about my business? What is your problem?

Now this person wants to talk to me like I'm their new best friend. I'm not! If I never saw you again I wouldn't miss you! Somehow I've got to get out of this situation. But how? So I look around and spot the restroom. "I gotta go. Taco Bell for lunch," I lie.

Shouldn't that be enough? Nope. "Oh, I know all about that. The other day I had some White Castles. You know why they call them 'sliders' don't ya? Hehe. Man, I was on the toilet all night. You know my wife told me not to--"

I cut him off. "Dude! My ass is going to explode!" I run into the restroom. Safety. Or is it?

A man is standing at the urinal. Another co-worker. He turns his attention from his urine stream to see who entered the restroom. "Hey, Jackington! How are you today?"

Oh my God! You do not talk to people while you are urinating! That is wrong on so many levels! "I'm just fine. You?"

"Well, when you get to be my age, it doesn't flow quite like it used to."

Dude! Too much information. "I'll bet." I enter the stall. Maybe if he can't see me he'll stop talking.

"You know I passed a stone the other day. Hurt like hell."

WTF!?! "Sounds like it."

"You young guys, you're lucky. Don't have to worry about the stones."

"Yep." Please shut up and leave. Please. Just shut up. Leave. Please.

"What are you in for?"

"Excuse me?"

"The stall."

This guy can't be serious. "Taco Bell."

"I know what that's like. You know, I had White Castle the other day. You know why they call them 'sliders' don't ya?"

I'm in Hell. My own personal hell.

"Man it came out like water."

God, please let Osama bin Laden blow up my office right now. I'm ready to go.

"I'm not hearing much action in there. You're not shy, are ya?"

"Well, actually--"

"I used to be shy. I couldn't piss or shit in public for nothing."

"Wow."

"You know how I got over it?"

"I don't care, but you're going to tell me anyway." "Nope."

"I went to hookers. The kind that let ya piss and shit on 'em. I practiced. All the time. Those were the days. Now I can just drop my pants anywhere and let 'er rip."

You've got to be kidding me.

"Twenty years ago I was working for another company. My boss made me angry so I just took off my trousers, climbed onto his desk and took a big old dump, while I was standing. I finished off by peeing on him. I'm telling ya, you should have seen the look on his face. You haven't lived until you've seen the look on a man's face as you pee on it. Kid, I'll tell ya, when you get to be my age, it just doesn't flow like it used to."

Yeah, he's told me that already. Not the part about peeing on his boss. The flowing part.

"I saved the stone. You wanna see it?"

No! Never!

"I think I'm okay."

"You sure? This thing is the size of a golf ball. I've got it in my pocket. It's no trouble, really."

That's it. It's time to get out of here. I exit the stall. "Sorry, man, I've got to go." I head toward the exit.

"Well aren't you gonna wash your hands?"

Crap! Crap crap crap! I wash my hands.

"Hey, son, can you come over here and check something out for me? I think I might have another stone."

It's at that point I run from the restroom like a bat out of Hell.

"Too good to help out an old man, huh? You rude little bastard," the man yells.

I'm back in the hallway and one of the bosses walks by. I nod. "Hey, Jackington, how are you today?"

"Screw you! Just leave me the hell alone!" I run off.

I'm probably going to be fired tomorrow. Seriously, whatever happened to the nod?