Categories: Misc, Movie Reviews

"Jeeves! To the theater!"

There is no answer.

"Jeeves! Theater! Now!"

Silence.

"Jeeves?"

Now I'm getting worried. I put on my house slippers and head down the hallway to the servants' quarters. I knock on the door. There is no answer. "Jeeves?" I call out. "Jeeves, I'm coming in. You had better be wearing pants." I open the door. Jeeves is in his bed, motionless, with his back to me. "Jeeves, are you alive? If you're dead, you're fired." Jeeves doesn't respond. "Jeeves, I need you to drive me to the theater. I want to go see DOOM." Jeeves still doesn't respond. I walk over to the bed, put my hand on his shoulder and roll him onto his back. His eyes are open, filled with the blank stare of death.

"Jeeves!" I shout. "Jeeves, you can't be dead!" I hold my hand over his agape mouth. There is no breath. I quickly check for a pulse. Nothing. His cold skin tells me he's been dead for at least a few hours. I fall to the floor. "Why, Jeeves, why?"

I collect myself, then pick up the phone and dial 911.

"911. Is this an emergency?" asks the operator.

"Well, not exactly. I think my butler is dead, but it must have happened a few hours ago."

"Can you determine the cause of death?" she asks.

"No. He's just cold and dead."

"Sir, have you tried CPR?"

"Well, no, I don't think it'll do any good."

"You never know unless you try. An ambulance is on its way to your location. If you'd like to try CPR in the meantime, I can walk you through the steps."

"I guess." I walk over to the bed. Jeeves' open eyes start to freak me out, so I close them. "Okay, what do I need to do?"

"Can you lean his head back to open the airway?"

Holding the phone with my shoulder, I put my hands on Jeeves' forehead and chin and lean his head back. "Okay, what's next?"

"Pinch his nose and give two full breaths into his mouth."

I hesitate. I've never put my mouth to another man's mouth before, especially not a dead one. I lean over to breathe into his mouth. Suddenly Jeeves' eyes fly open. I jump back. "Jesus!"

"What's wrong, sir?" asks the operator.

"His eyes just opened!"

"Is he conscious?"

"I... I don't know. He's not moving." I walk back over to the bed. "Jeeves?" Jeeves is still motionless. "I think he's still dead."

"It might have been a reflex. That kind of stuff happens sometimes. Can you administer the breaths like I asked? Just pinch his nose and breathe into his mouth."

"Okay." I pinch his nose and lean forward. Suddenly Jeeves sits up. Startled, I fly across the room. "Holy shit! He just sat up!"

"He's alive?"

Jeeves turns his head toward me. His eyes are still blank and lifeless. "I'm not sure."

"You're not sure?"

"He's sitting up and moving."

"Ask him if he's okay."

"Jeeves? Are you okay?" Jeeves doesn't say anything.

"Jeeves, you're scaring me. If this is a joke, you're fired."

Jeeves gets out of the bed and groans. He walks toward me. His movements are stiff and zombie-like. I back away.

"Sir, what's going on?" the operator asks.

"He's coming toward me. But I think he's still dead."

"Sir, if this is a joke you're going to be in a lot of trouble."

"Lady, I wish this was a joke." I continue to back away from Jeeves until I'm in the doorway. Jeeves lumbers forward. That's when I notice the bite mark on his arm. "He's been bitten! Can people become rabid?"

"Sir, I'm hanging up now. 911 is for emergencies only, not for jokes. The police will deal with you when they arrive." She hangs up.

"Great." Jeeves gets closer. I back out into the hall. I turn to run. Suddenly, Remington is beside me. I jump. "Remington? What are you doing here?" Remington doesn't respond. I look into his eyes. They're lifeless. "Oh shit." Jeeves inches closer. In unison they lunge toward me. I jump back, turn around, and run down the hallway. I look back, expecting them to be slowly following. Then Remington starts to run.

"Oh God." I continue running down the hall until I get to the stairs. Halfway down the steps I notice the crowd of zombies in the room below. They notice me and begin climbing the steps. I look back up. Remington is coming toward me. I look over to the giant chandelier hanging from the ceiling. I climb onto the banister and jump to the chandelier. It swings back and forth. From the chandelier I jump to the opposite stairway, which is not currently occupied by zombies. I quickly run up the steps and into the guest room. I slam shut the door and barricade it with a dresser.

I sit down on the bed. "Okay, Jackington, you've got to come up with a plan." I can hear scratching at the door. I've still got the phone. I'm about to dial 911, when I remember that they're already on the way. I look out the window. There's no help in sight. What's taking them so long? I dial 911 again.

"911. Is this an emergency?" It's the same operator from before.

"Yes! My house is filled with zombies! I need somebody out here now!"

"Sir, what did I tell you about making prank calls to 911?"

"This isn't a prank! I'm trapped in my guest room! They're scratching at the door!"

"Sir-" I cut her off.

"Didn't you say help was on the way before? Where are they?"

"I cancelled that call."

"Well send them back out!"

"I'd rather not waste resources on pranks, sir."

"This isn't a prank!"

Suddenly something is slamming against the door. "Do you hear that? They're going to break the door down!" There's another slam, then the door and dresser splinter. Standing in the door is a demonic figure! "Oh. My. God."

I throw the phone down and run to the window. The demon puts its hands together. In an instant it lights up, then a fireball flies toward me. Instinctively, I jump out of the way. The fireball smashes through the window. Zombies start to pour through the door. One of them bumps into the demon. It hisses and rips the zombie in half.

I run over to the window and look down. I'm on the second floor. It's been raining so the ground should be soft. I jump out. I twist my ankle as I hit the ground. I look up. The demon looks out the window, then throws another fireball. I roll out of the way. I hear groaning. I look around. Zombies are coming from everywhere.

I stand up. My ankle hurts, but that's not going to stop me. I check my pocket. Luckily I've got my car keys. I limp toward my car. The zombies are getting closer. I press the button on the remote to unlock the car. As I reach for the door handle, I hear a galloping sound. I look around for the source of the sound. That's when I'm hit. With the force of a truck, something slams into me, knocking me to the ground. I look up. The thing is still moving. It skids to a halt and turns around. A snarling pink demon, built like an eight hundred pound bulldog, stares at me. I jump up and pull open the car door. The demon charges toward me. I get into the car just as the demon slams into the door, shutting it for me.

I put the keys into the ignition and turn them. I'm half expecting the car not to start, but it does. Zombies have reached the car. They pound on it in a vain attempt to reach me. I put the car in drive and push the gas pedal to the floor. Within moments I'm on the road.

As I drive, everything seems normal. There are other cars on the road. Houses are aglow with people enjoying their families. There are no signs of a Hell invasion anywhere but my house. So I do the only thing a reasonable person would do. I head to the movie theater. Why should I let demons and zombies ruin my plans?

I arrive at the theater. Everything is normal. I purchase my ticket and take my seat. I've missed the first couple previews. The rest were lackluster. Then the movie starts.

The first half of the movie is incredibly boring. Especially compared to what I just went through. The last half of the movie is well worth seeing. While the movie doesn't quite stick to the DOOM story, it does capture the atmosphere of the game, minus all the scares. If they hadn't bothered to explain what was going on, it would have been quite faithful to the game. The first person shooter scene was great. It looked as if somebody was playing DOOM on a giant theater screen.

I expected The Rock to ruin the movie for me, and his acting almost did, right up until near the end, when he becomes a total badass. I won't ruin for you why he changes or what he does when it happens, but it's pretty cool. Even the ending credits are cool. They are presented in a first person shooter view. The names get shot at as they pop up on screen while a remix of Nine Inch Nails' You Know What You Are? plays in the background. Overall, I liked the movie, despite the boring first half.

I left the theater wondering what to do next. Should I go home and hope the zombies and demons were all a dream? Nah, screw that. I'm currently typing this from a library computer. I'm too scared to go home.