Categories: Bizarro World, Political

As I was a good Republican, always doing as I was told and spreading the lies, so, too, will I be a good Democrat. I will do as I'm told and spread the conspiracy theories. My tinfoil hat is tuned and ready to receive commands from the DNC all while blocking space radiation. Double joy! It's kinda like double penetration but without the awkwardness of your balls slapping against another man's and the silence of the car ride home as you realize you'll never be able to look your best friend in the eye anymore. "Dude, she's willing to have us both at the same time, dude!" It doesn't seem like such a good idea anymore, does it? No. It. Does. Not.

Sorry about that.

Today's Tinfoil Broadcast™ is brought to you by the word screw and the letter u.

Evil Republicans are blocking media access to dead bodies. They claim it is because of common decency. They say they don't want poor Aunt Sally seeing the body of her husband, Uncle Bob, on the news. Imagine the tears! But that's not the real story. The real story is far more sinister.

The truth is the Republicans have found a way to make zombies. I am not kidding you. The Republicans destroyed New Orleans so they could gain access to large quantities of corpses. They are gathering the bodies and will be shipping them off to sovereign nations, such as Iran and North Korea. After injecting the bodies with what is known as the "T-Virus" they will drop them from low flying helicopters into crowded cities. Several minutes after they are injected, the bodies come back to life as zombies, unable to speak or reason, but able to walk, grab, and bite. A person bitten by one of these zombies will become infected and soon become a zombie, himself.

The teams gathering the bodies are separating them into two categories. The larger, stronger corpses will be used as zombies. The smaller corpses, including children, will be returned to their families. Those not returned will be categorized as missing.

The Republicans don't want the media photographing bodies because if they photograph a good one, they will be unable to use it. How can they say Uncle Bob is missing when there is a picture of his corpse in the Sunday Enquirer? They can't.

You heard it here first, folks. Help put an end to this madness! If we don't act now, any one of us could be next! Just think, you're at work one day and an earthquake hits, taking out the entire city block where your office is located. Thousands end up dying and hundreds more are "missing," including you. Suddenly you wake up in a foreign country with a hunger for human flesh and no memory of your former life. Don't let this happen to you! Do your part to help impeach Bush today!

Now, I realize those of you on the right may be thinking that this is all nonsense. I can understand. I used to be one of you. So below I am providing irrefutable proof of these claims, and it comes direct from Forbes.com, a news source right wingers can trust!

Katrina Death Toll May Not be as High as Feared
By Steven Reinberg and Amanda Gardner
HealthDay Reporters

FRIDAY, Sept. 9 (HealthDay News) -- Preliminary searches in New Orleans indicate the death toll from Hurricane Katrina may not be as high as initially feared, officials said Friday.

"I think there's some encouragement in what we've found in the initial sweeps that some of the catastrophic deaths that some people predicted may not have occurred," Terry Ebbert, New Orleans' homeland security chief, told the Associated Press.

Ebbert declined to give an estimate of the dead, the news service said.

As the official search and rescue mission was declared over Friday, the Louisiana Department of Health and Hospitals was reporting the official number of dead around the New Orleans area stood at 118.

But the search for bodies will now take place on a house-to-house basis, and Mayor Ray Nagin had warned earlier this week that the death toll could reach 10,000. State emergency authorities had ordered 25,000 body bags.

Meanwhile, Federal Emergency Management Agency Director Michael Brown was removed from his role of managing hurricane relief efforts in the battered Gulf Coast, according to the Associated Press.

Brown, who came under sharp attack from many quarters for his handling of the disaster, is being sent back to Washington, D.C., from Baton Rouge, La., where he was the primary official overseeing the federal government's response to the disaster, the AP said.

Authorities continued Friday to try to convince the estimated 5,000 to 10,000 residents who remain in New Orleans to leave or face forced removal, as health threats continue to plague the beleaguered city.

The first federal testing of floodwaters there revealed dangerously high levels of sewage, with 10 times the safe levels of E. coli and other potentially harmful bacteria, federal officials announced Wednesday.

In light of these findings, the Environmental Protection Agency and the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention declared the water unsafe for human contact.

Also Friday, Health and Human Services Secretary Mike Leavitt began a two-day visit with evacuees in shelters in Arkansas, Georgia, Tennessee and Texas. Many victims of the hurricane no longer have the records or legal documents to prove their eligibility for benefits from various government programs. President Bush has granted special "evacuee" status to people affected by Katrina that will simplify the enrollment process for programs like Medicaid, Temporary Assistance for Needy Families, and Head Start, Leavitt said in a statement.

On Tuesday, Mayor Nagin had ordered the forced evacuation of New Orleans residents, nine days after Hurricane Katrina hit, a move that was seconded by U.S. health officials once the test results were revealed.

CDC Director Dr. Julie Gerberding warned in a teleconference Wednesday that those people remaining in the city needed to evacuate, and rescue workers had to take precautions to minimize contact with the polluted water.

"Our initial findings indicate that counts for E. coli and coliform bacteria greatly exceed EPA's recommended levels for contact," EPA Administrator Stephen L. Johnson said at the Wednesday teleconference. "Human contact with the floodwater should be avoided as much as possible."

The EPA also tested the water for some 100 chemicals, including pesticides and metals.

"Our testing found that lead concentrations in the floodwater exceed what EPA considers safe for drinking water levels," Johnson said. "No one should drink the floodwater, especially children."

Johnson noted that the situation in the hurricane-ravaged city was changing quickly, and water quality may change as the floodwaters recede. So far testing has been confined to residential areas. There has been no testing of industrialized areas, Johnson said.

The Army Corps of Engineers continued to pump out water that had inundated 80 percent of the below-sea-level city, after two broken levees released huge amounts of water from Lake Pontchartrain in the wake of Hurricane Katrina.

But the health hazards posed by the floodwater were very real, Gerberding said.

"The results from the EPA indicate that the water is full of sewage," she said. "We know that there are many common intestinal illnesses that can be transmitted by ingesting the sewage and, in some cases, by being in the water without protective clothing."

See? The reason there are fewer bodies than expected is because they have been taken by the Republicans in order to be made into zombies! You can't deny it any longer! The proof is there!