Category: Humor

"Jeeves!" I shouted to my personal manservant slash limo driver.

Jeeves entered the room lightning quick. "Sir?"

"The bachelor party is today. There's a full itinerary which includes but is not limited to shooting, exploding, drinking, gambling, and womanizing. Dress me appropriately."

"As you wish, sir," stated Jeeves, who was no doubt more than a little disturbed at the thought of dressing me. He's never had to do that before.

Jeeves prepared my attire and presented it to me for approval. I gave him the okay.

"Shall we start with the pants, sir?"

"Huh?" I grunted back.

"You asked me to dress you, sir."

"Oh. Yeah," I replied. I was more than a little disturbed at the thought of Jeeves dressing me. "Jeeves, I've changed my mind. I'll dress myself. I'm a big boy now."

"Thank you, kind sir."

So I got dressed and we headed to the party. The drive was uneventful. To get things started, we shot at and blew up a slew of electronic items including but not limited to monitors, DVD players, AV receivers, and a freaking lawn mower. And then the drinking started.

My memories at this point are blurry. There was a lot of poker and gambling. At some point strippers and whores showed up. Nobody knew where they came from as they certainly weren't ordered. I suspected Jeeves. He's always looking out for me.

As these things tend to go, at some point during the night, one of the hookers was dead. I was not present for the actual death; I merely worked on the clean up crew. I don't know how or why she died and I don't want to know. The fact that my memories blur together is good enough to give me plausible deniability. By this point the strippers had left and only the whores remained. They pleasured the group one after another. But once the first whore was dead, we had no choice but to take out the other two. There could be no witnesses. Two shots to the head took care of the problem. Disposal was another matter completely. Fortunately, I have Jeeves.

I ran to the limo. "Jeeves! We've got a problem!"

"More dead hookers, sir?"

"Yeah. How did you know?"

"This happens every time you go to a bachelor party, sir."

"It does? I can't remember this ever happening before."

"Plausible deniability, sir. Put them in the limo and I'll take care of them, as usual."

The next thing I remember is waking up in the morning and dragging myself and what was left of my cash out to the limo. Jeeves was waiting patiently. "Ready to go home, sir?"

"Yeah. I think." Jeeves then drove me home where I slept for twelve more hours.

And so that's what happened at the bachelor party. Certain details have been changed in order to protect the innocent. What you have read is mostly untrue. What actually occurred was far, far worse. But what happens at a bachelor party, stays at a bachelor party.