Category: Humor

So I went camping last night. Everything went just spiffy. I did everything my usual way and no humans were injured in the process. Something strange happened in the middle of the night, however. After my rampage of man against nature violence, I went to sleep. That's to be expected. But during the night I heard noises outside. Noises that were not other people.

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Rustling sounds came from behind my tent. I listened for a moment to determine their source. Better make that sources, because suddenly my tent was surrounded by the sounds of yet to be determined creatures. The rustling sounds grew louder and were soon accompanied by squeaks and pitter patter. Soon small objects were hitting my tent. Each hit made a small pelting sound, followed by a soft thud as the projectile hit the ground. The final straw was the scratching. Something was scratching at my tent. It wasn't strong enough to tear the fabric, but whatever it was, it wasn't alone. All around my tent small woodland creatures scratched and clawed and tossed berries and nuts and pebbles. The squeaks came from the commanders of this animal army. I was under attack! Nature was seeking revenge!

I knew my time was limited. I quickly threw on my shoes and loaded my weapons. If nature wanted me, she wasn't going to get me without a fight. Well armed and ready to rumble, I threw open my tent and emerged a one man army. The small creatures scattered in fright. I launched a warning rocket into the forest. The heat seeker found its way to a deer. Guts splattered throughout the woods, painting trees with the blood of the first fallen soldier. Yeah, it was on.

The first wave was easily defeated. A small tide of squirrels washed in. They leaped into the air, claws out and teeth bared. A shotgun blast took most of them out. As the remainder fled, I lit one on fire with my flamethrower. It ran into the woods, certainly feeling a pain like no other. It wasn't long until the trees were ablaze and several animals were toasted.

It didn't end there. The second attack came from above. Birds of prey dropped an assortment of living beasts on me. As each one fell, I quickly disabled it with my knife. But I knew this would continue for hours unless I stopped the flyers. I pulled out my sniper rifle and took aim. Within minutes, the birds were no more. I took a moment to rest. A moment was all I got.

I suddenly found myself surrounded by bears and wolves. Nature's mortal enemies had teamed up to take me out. The wolves moved in first. What they had forgotten was that I have a way with dogs. They love me and are obedient. I spun around as they were about to lunge. "Don't you realize who I am? I am your master!" I shouted. "You are at my command!" The wolves listened. I ordered them to take out the bears. A battle took place as I stood and watched. Blood and fur flew through the air, mixing with the ashes of the growing fire. I took the time to pack my things. It was time for me to leave.

As I made my way out of the woods, I witnessed animals fleeing for their lives, either from me or from the fire, I didn't care which. As I neared the forest edge, the ground shook beneath me. Suddenly the ground split, and my exit was blocked. Something didn't want me to leave. A blue light engulfed me. I looked around in awe.

All around me, pixies and sprites and woodland nymphs appeared. I could hear the harp of the satyr in the distance. The magic of the forest was being revealed to me, for the first time in my life. But why?

Out of the opening in the ground arose a giant fairy. She was in every way beautiful. It was the Queen Fairy of the Forest. Every forest has one, and they report directly to Mother Nature herself. The fairy introduced herself, "I am Nala, Queen Fairy of the Forest."

"Hi, I'm Jackington. Nice to meet you."

"Nice? We're at war, Jackington. You come into our forest and you do nothing but destroy it. Why must you bring harm to us?"

"I'm a woodsman. It's what I do."

"Can't you find other ways to enjoy our forest?"

"Look, lady, I don't have time for this. I'm an American. I get to do whatever I want. It's nothing personal. I tear this forest apart out of love and respect. If I didn't like this place, I'd simply pave over it and build a mall. I don't destroy anything that can't be replaced. The trees will grow back and the animals will make more animals. It's what they do. When you attacked me, you caused me to do more damage than I had planned. That's on you now. If you had just accepted things the way they are, no more creatures would have had to die."

The fairy stood there and contemplated what I just said. After a moment, she replied, "Okay, let's cut to the chase. Personally, I agree with you. I don't really care what you do. I know you're not really doing any serious damage. I'm not one of those tree huggers. But let's look at the situation I'm in. I gotta report to Mother Nature. If I let you get away with this, I'm gonna get fired, and I don't wanna get freakin' fired, you know what I'm sayin'? There's not a whole lotta jobs out there for a six foot tall fairy. I'm just trying to do my job. Ya think we can come to some sorta compromise?"

"What do you propose?"

So we sat down and figured out the situation. I get to kill 'X' amount of creatures and burn down 'Y' amount of trees per visit, and I'm allowed 'Z' number of visits per month.

"What if I go over my ration?"

"We'll be forced to attack."

"What if I kill one in self defense?"

"Don't go near the limit and that won't be a problem," the fairy stated.

"Oh, I get it. I see what you're trying to pull here."

"I'm not trying to 'pull' anything."

"Yeah, sure. How many fairies am I allowed to kill?"

"Well, none. We'd be hidden from view. You'll have no idea we're even here."

"Like right now?" I asked with a smug grin.

"No, I'm not hidden right now. Can't you see me?"

"I sure can, princess," I said as I loaded my rocket launcher.

"No, I'm the queen. I already told you that."

"I'd like to add one fairy to that agreement!" I launched the rocket at the giant fairy queen. As she exploded, fairy dust filled the air. Don't breathe that stuff in, it'll fill your lungs and kill you. The pixies and sprites and woodland nymphs ran away screaming. The satyr's music became filled with sadness.

I ran as fast as I could and jumped over the chasm. As I exited the forest, I remembered a very important detail. I never signed the contract! I took a deep breath and yelled into the wind. My echo carried itself all the way back to Mother Nature. "When I drop a fairy, you know I am only getting started, bitch! See you soon!"



Special thanks to Robot Chicken for the fairy dropping line.