I Like Grapes
Categories: Commentary, Humor
Which direction we are going.
There's no knowing where we're rowing
Or which way the river's flowing.
Is it raining?
Is it snowing?
Is a hurricane a-blowing?
Not a speck of light is showing
So the danger must be growing.
Are the fires of hell a-glowing?
Is the grisly reaper mowing?
Yes!
The danger must be growing
For the rowers keep on rowing
And they're certainly not showing
Any signs that they are slowing."
"Stop!" I yell to Jeeves. He slams on the brakes and I am flung forward. I roll across the limo floor and slam into the seat ahead of me. I pull myself up. "Jeeves, when I said 'stop,' I meant stop reciting poetry. Not the car!"
"So sorry, sir," states Jeeves, "I thought you'd seen another sexy lawn mower ride."
"Don't I wish. But we're off to see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory."
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"Precisely why I was reciting the boat ride lyrics."
"But Jeeves," I correct him, "Willy Wonka does not recite those lyrics in this new movie."
"So sorry, sir," states Jeeves. He starts driving again. We make it to the theater without another incident. Unfortunately, that means I did not see any more sexy lawn mower rides. Maybe next time.
"Wait in the car, Jeeves."
I enter the theater and proceed to the ticket stand. I've got a gift card burning a hole in my pocket. Everybody, without exception, is here to see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, including the little old woman in front of me. For once I manage to purchase my ticket without incident (no fist fights today, no sir!).
I enter the crowded theater room and search for a seat. That one over there next to that hot chick wearing sandals and red painted toenails looks good. Real good. It's second row from the top, but in this particular theater, there really are no bad seats. Unless you happen to be near a snot nosed brat, also known as a child. I was not, until the previews started, that is. Suddenly, wave after wave of snot nosed brats filled the theater and quickly filled all the empty seats.
The next two hours was filled with loud candy noises, crying babies, stupid question after stupid question, and bad parent after bad parent answering little Timmy's retarded question rather than telling him to shut his goddamn mouth because he is in a crowded movie theater where talking out loud is considered very, very rude. How idiotic were the questions? Let me give you an example: "Why is he tall and thin?" (referring to a stretched out Mike Teavee). Damn, you stupid little shit, they just explained not two minutes ago that he was to be stretched out (since he was tiny from being teleported into the television). Why must small children be retarded? Also, this goes out to you parents with babies, your infant does not need to see movies in a theater. Do not bring them. At best they will be frightened and start crying. At worst someone like me, who has no patience for idiocy, will walk over and kick them in the head until the crying stops. I did not pay good money to listen to your stupid retard children make noise. If they can't behave themselves in public, lock them in a closet until they are eighteen. Let's have some common courtesy people. Gosh!
Once again, the trailers were crap. Except, that is, for Corpse Bride. That is a movie that will be an instant classic, much like The Nightmare Before Christmas, which has the distinction of being both a Halloween and a Christmas movie. Corpse Bride, directed by Tim Burton, who is also the director of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, stars Helena Bonham Carter, who is also in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, as well as other recent Tim Burton films, Big Fish and Planet of the Apes. Coincidence? I think not! So, yeah, I can't wait for Corpse Bride to come out.
So let's get to the movie review, already. I liked it. I'll buy the DVD. That much is certain. But how well does it compare to the classic Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory? Well, it's different. But it's also similar at the same time. See, it feels like it's missing certain scenes that made the first movie work, and added scenes that didn't need to be there. I've never read the books upon which these movies are based, so I don't know how accurately they are portrayed.
In this movie, we learn about Willy Wonka's childhood. Sorry, but I didn't need to know any of that. Willy Wonka should be a mystery. We don't get to see Charlie's life outside of his home, which takes away some of the challenges he faced every single day. The world outside of the chocolate factory feels like it's from a Tim Burton movie (and it is!), when it should feel cold and real. The chocolate factory should provide an escape into the imagination, not just make your imagination more colorful.
The children in the movie are little brats with personal stylists. Except for Charlie, who is a little too nice and caring, and Augustus Gloop, who is a fat bastard and as he should be. Unfortunately, the movie focuses so much on Willy Wonka and his history, we really don't get to see the children as anything other than annoying brats. They're just kind of there until it's time to get rid of them. Especially Charlie, who, considering he is the title character, is hardly in the movie at all once they get to the factory.
The movie is funny, much funnier than the original. There is less singing, which is a good thing. Only the Oompa Loompas sing. All the Oompa Loompas are played by the same guy. I dunno. I prefer the orange midget Oompa Loompas from the first movie. Although this Oompa Loompa is closer to the Oompa Loompas from the original book, which were, in fact, pygmies.
I prefer Grandpa Joe from the original movie. He seemed more grandfatherly and realistic. Charlie's other grandparents, however, are much better in the new movie. Especially one of his grandmothers, who first introduces herself to us by saying, "I like grapes." Every time you see this woman, she has a ridiculously silly smile. I laughed every time she was on camera. She's definitely my favorite character from the movie. That's a problem because it really shouldn't be that way.
Johnny Depp did a great job as an alternate universe Willy Wonka. He is not playing the Willy Wonka you know and love. He is playing a childlike Willy Wonka. His character is completely different from the one played by Gene Wilder. It's not a bad thing. It's different. It works in the context of this movie. In fact, had Johnny Depp simply imitated Gene Wilder, the movie would not have worked.
The two movies can stand side by side. They are two different interpretations of the same story. Neither movie is better than the other. They both have their flaws, but in the end they both work. Which will better stand the test of time? The original. It already has. It exists in a timeless vacuum. The new movie is already dated. But it's good now and it works now. It works now, in 2005, better than the 1971 movie does in 2005. But in 34 years, which movie will be considered the classic? Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, not Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Between now and then, I hope they make another. Why? Because I'd like to see Marilyn Manson star in an 'R' rated horror movie version, simply titled Willy Wonka. I want to see the chocolate factory portrayed with a gritty realism (still wondrous, mind you, but shown in a way the doesn't defy the laws of physics and technology) and the bad children killed off, rather than simply sent home. It will be great, I tell you.
So that's the review. The movie ended and was greeted with applause. Considering half the audience was under the age of sixteen, that's impressive. The theater was almost full for the 11:45 a.m. showing. Based on those two facts, this movie is certain to make large, LARGE, sums of money.
I make my way out of the theater. Unfortunately, Jeeves is nowhere in sight. Where did he go? I wander through the parking lot, searching for my ride. How am I supposed to get home?
Suddenly the limo pulls up. I get inside. Wait a minute. This can't be my limo. There are other people in here. Not that I'm complaining. They're females. Two of them. I look to the driver. "Jeeves?"
"Surprised, sir?" queries Jeeves.
"A little bit, yeah. What's going on?" I reply.
"You don't remember us, do you?" asks one of the girls.
"Not this again," I say. "Look, it can't be my kid. I used protection. Get your money from some other dude."
"No, silly," says the other girl. "Remember the sexy lawn mower ride?"
"Oh, yeah," my memory suddenly returns. "I didn't recognize you with all your clothes on!"
The girls remove items of clothing. "Is this better?"
"A little bit, yeah. Jeeves, take the scenic route home."
"As you wish, sir."
"Oh, and Jeeves?"
"Sir?"
"Good looking out. You're a good man."
"Thank you, sir."
Posted by Jackington at 7/15/2005 05:22:00 PM
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