Categories: Humor, Rants

We've turned into pussies.

Remember when you were a child and you first encountered the wondrous substance known as mercury? Remember the countless hours you would spend playing with those little balls of liquid metal? How great was that stuff? Nowadays, the little children of America are being denied the joys of mercury.

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Picture this: a student drops a thermometer in his high school biology class. That thermometer is filled with the evil goo known as mercury. The thermometer shatters on the floor. The teacher's face turns a pale white. In a state of panic, the teacher runs to his classroom door and yells out to a student walking in the hallway. "Jeremy! Alert the principal! Get everyone out of the school. There's been a mercury spill! Quickly son! Save yourself! It's too late for us!"

Jeremy promptly craps his pants, then runs for help. The teacher locks his door and says a silent prayer. After regaining his composure, the teacher asks his students to have a seat. By now, many of the students are crying.

"Mr. Johnson, are we going to die?"

"Yes, Sally. I'm afraid so. By now the mercury has filled our lungs. It has likely gone through the air ducts and anyone still in the school will face the same fate as us." Mr. Johnson sits at his desk. He opens his desk drawer and removes a pistol. He contemplates suicide as he fondles the metal instrument that could bring him peace.

Minutes later the door is kicked down and a hazmat team rushes in. All of the students are stripped naked and decontaminated. Their clothing is confiscated and burned. The entire school is quarantined and the students are sent home.

There are no reports of illness.

This story is absolutely true. The sick thing, however, is it is not an isolated incident. All across the country, panic fills the hearts and minds of students, professors, and white collar office workers as mercury spills occur with increasing frequency.

At least "no one was injured." No shit. Of course no one was injured. It's mercury! Unless you inject that shit into your blood stream it can't hurt you! Evacuating entire buildings because a single drop of mercury hit the floor is entirely excessive. What a bunch of wussbags!

Wussiness is quickly spreading across the country. Laws are being passed making it illegal to ride a bicycle without a helmet. When I was a kid, anyone wearing a helmet would be beaten for looking like a retard. And the beating would be well deserved.

Shortly after I graduated, my high school enacted a rule that said you weren't allowed to wear black clothing. They were scared of having another Columbine, and we all know that black clothing causes school shootings. Sissies!

The kids these days are stupid, over-protected wusses. They're being sheltered from the realities of the world. Their soccer games are point free. Their role models cry when fans boo them. Their parents side with them, rather than the teacher, when little Johnny gets in trouble at school. There is no longer any personal responsibility. It is always somebody else's fault. Essentially, the kids are being raised to become... dirty, hippie liberals!

People! This must stop! Let your children go outside and play! Worry not about the sex offender down the street. Teach your children where his nutsack is and tell them to use it as a punching bag if he gets near them. Forego that bicycle helmet! For a thousand years, kids rode without helmets and not one was killed! Why is today any different? Let your children learn life's lessons the hard way, just like we did! They're supposed to get bumps and bruises and cuts and scrapes! They're supposed to go out and do stupid things, then be punished for them when they get home! That's how they learn! If your child is naughty, pull out that belt, don't make him swallow a cup of "calming pills"! There is no such thing as attention deficit disorder! Your child is just hyper because you won't let him go outside!

For Christmas, purchase a thermometer containing mercury and break that sucker open. Let your kid play with that wonderful liquid metal! He will love it and he won't die from it. For god's sake, stop being wussies! Before it's too late!