Category: Humor

I'm gonna hold off on that E3 thing again. I still need to collect my thoughts. I doubt you care. Instead, let me tell you a story.

Bear in mind this is all real. There isn't an ounce of exaggeration. It's very frightening.

Each and every year, a friend of mine hosts a large Memorial Day party. We like to have a large bonfire, so excessive amounts of wood are needed. Normally, we have a man who supplies us with wooden skids. Unfortunately, this year his supply got cut off. Not a problem. He's got a backup plan. He knows a place where we can get some wood for free: his mother's back yard. So we head off on an ill-fated Saturday morning. Our drive takes us deep into the far end of absolutely nowhere. Dueling Banjos can be heard in the distance. We finally find the place, which houses a beat up old trailer home which is itself surrounded by a makeshift wooden porch. So far so good. The guy meets us there and tells us the wood is around back.

Going back there was our second mistake (the first being that we actually came to this place). The back of the trailer home is in worse condition than the front. It's also the nicest thing out back. Not far from the trailer is an abandoned garage/shed filled with God knows what. Behind that is a jungle of five foot tall grass. The guy tells us the wood is back there somewhere.

We venture into the vast expanse of the jungle where we soon encounter a large rusty boat. Near the boat are a couple planks of wood. This can't possibly be what we drove out here for. Unfortunately, that was not the case.

We searched deeper, traveling miles and miles through unknown territory. Every so often we would encounter rusted out chunks of vehicles and random tires from cars that haven't existed since the 1970s. The further we travel, the rougher the plant life and the larger the insects become. Finally we discover what we are looking for. Sitting atop and fused into a piece of rusty metal are several pieces of termite infested rotted wood. Well whooptygoddamnedydoo. That can't possibly be it. This was so not worth it.

We decide to look for more. We venture forth and discover an old truck with a camper attached to it. The windshield is coated with a thick layer of dust. Upon closer inspection, it seems the dust has merged with some algae and become sentient. Creepy.

Inside the truck are a couple of rotted seats and the stench of death. Curiosity overwhelms us and we decide to see what's in the camper.

"Don't open that door," commands our "host". "Just take the wood and leave." We do as he says because he's a liberal Democrat and bound to be unstable. We trek back to the truck and bring it into the jungle. We load our bounty of rotted wood into the truck. The man looks on, pleased. We fell for his trick. He just wanted someone to get rid of this nasty wood for him.

I take a leave with the excuse of needing to pee. I sneak back to the truck and camper. A swarm of large beetles coats the door. I brush the foul creatures aside and pry open the door. An overwhelming stench escapes the camper and the rotted corpse of a dead Mexican immigrant falls to the ground. I can easily count five more inside and don't care to see if that's it. I immediately run back to my group.

I whisper to my friend that we have to leave. Now. We thank the guy for the wood and get in the truck. "Mind if I get a ride back?" the man asks. What choice do we have?

We get back to the trailer home and the man exits the truck. Good, we're safe. Suddenly, the guy tells us he has some more stuff we can burn. It's in the shed. Oh crap. A couple of my friends follow the man into the shed. I wisely stay behind.

They're inside for quite awhile. Suddenly, they emerge with some old wooden bar stools. They toss them into the back of the truck. Let's go! Let's go! No luck. They head back into the shed. That's when I hear the chainsaw. One of my friends comes running from the shed. The glass window of the building is suddenly stained with blood. My friend jumps in the truck and drives as fast as the laws of physics will allow. I look back and see the man running after us with his now bloody chainsaw. We escape; our only loss being a single friend, which is far better result than you'll find in similarly themed horror movies.

The authorities went to the place later that day, only to find the entire location burned to the ground, with no evidence of any dead bodies.

The moral of the story, kids, is never accept strange wood from a Democrat, no matter how bad you think you want it.