Jackington Viego - Power Through Irreverence: The Games

The Games

Categories: Commentary, Humor, Political, Rants

With a wonderful sense of timing that will extend our death penalty discussion just a few more days, Mark Noonan over at Blogs For Bush has posted an article entitled The Death Penalty Challenge. The article is written in response to an article posted by Jonah Goldberg of NRO's The Corner, which states the following:

Assuming that there is no doubt about the identity of the murderers involved in the baby-snatching case and the evidence is overwhelming, which it already seems to be, I would very much like the anti-death penalty crowd to take up this case. It's all very easy to talk about the problems with the death penalty in the "hard" cases -- i.e. cases where there's some arguable room for doubt about the guilt of the convicted.

But if you're going to say the death penalty is always and everywhere wrong, you must take the hard cases too. You must defend the right to life of the people who do horrible things like this. And I suspect that will be very, very hard to do in this case.

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In case you haven't heard, a crime of disgusting proportions was recently committed. A deranged woman, Lisa M. Montgomery, murdered a pregnant woman, Bobbie Jo Stinnett, then proceeded to cut open the womb and steal the baby. Montgomery then pretended the baby was her own. Finders keepers I guess. Really, though, if you absolutely must steal a baby and pretend it's your own, take one that has already been born! The fact that the baby survived is a miracle, and I don't even believe in such things. Perhaps it was Montgomery's training in dog breeding that gave her the skill to remove the baby with such incredible precision. I digress.

There is no question in my mind that this murderer should die a horrible death. Some of you will disagree with me. Some will be hypocritical and demand that this woman live, while insisting on the right to have abortions. Some will be not so hypocritical and demand no death penalty and no abortions. Mark Noonan would like to see these murderers live in absolute misery, which is delightfully appealing to me:

The convicted must be cold in winter, hot in summer; never fed quite enough to satisfy; entertained not at all; bereft of gentle human contact; compelled to perform difficult but utterly useless tasks over and over again - and such circumstances must be immediately available for viewing by the general public. The convicted must be made to eventually desire death as the only possible relief from a life of pure misery - then we have achieved justice; and, perhaps, the redemption of the guilty - because in suffering the convicted may come to understand the magnitude of what they did and understand that their punishment is simpe justice and for the repentant something to be grateful for.

Let's take this a step further. For awhile now, I've been passing an idea onto those who will listen, and so far it's been met with nothing but positive response. If you were to ask me why I've waited so long to pass it onto you, my beloved readers, I would have to answer with a hearty, "I don't know."

I propose what I like to call The Games™. Think gladiators. Criminals who have committed crimes against humanity (those being theft, robbery, assault, rape, and murder, but not stuff like breaking ticket laws, drug offenses, mutual fights, or piracy) will be made to fight in the games. Each prison will have several teams, organized by weight class, who will fight against teams from other prisons.

These fights will have time limits, with the goal being "kill or be killed." Weapons will be scattered about the arena to assist with the killing. Those who survive will live to fight another day. To make things interesting, each arena will be filled with traps. I'm talking huge, swinging pendulums. Pits filled with spikes. Pits filled with pit vipers! Moats full of piranhas and crocodiles. There will be flame shooting columns and spears that fire from the walls! Some arenas may even be equipped with an ever rising water level! Or walls that close in on the criminals!

What do we do if the criminals decide not to fight with each other? We unleash vicious and hungry animals, such as lions, tigers, and bears! Oh my! Perhaps some wolverines or a pack of wolves will do the trick.

The Games™ will help to reduce crime in a number of ways. They will certainly deter most people from committing lesser crimes such as theft. It may even prevent the more sadistic among us from committing random murders. Why? Because people may volunteer to participate in The Games™. Ever wanted to kill somebody, but without the commitment of joining the army or the risk of getting caught killing an innocent? Try The Games™!

The Games™ will generate immeasurable amounts of money. While highlights will be seen for free on national television, a pay-per-view channel as well as a subscription, On-Demand cable channel, featuring full, uncensored fights, will be available. And don't forget the DVDs! The general public will also be able to purchase tickets to see the games. For an added fee, members of the public will be able to purchase special seats from which they can throw rocks or fire arrows at the criminals.

There will be licensed merchandise such as video games, action figures, and t-shirts containing such witty slogans as, "I went to the games and all I got was this lousy t-shirt!"

The Games™ will be a beautiful thing! Write your congressman today and demand that this idea be realized!

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